Swish Swish, Bang Bang
by xanthabel
Summary: When Ianto first learnt about Stunning Spells he never thought it would use against an overgrown blowfish, and yet here we was in the Cardiff suburbs doing just that. Some thoughts as to how the events of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang might have been slightly altered had Ianto been a wizard and taken charge of Torchwood in Jack's absence.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is part of a larger AU I have been working on, although I don't currently have the time to write. Basically the key points to know are that Ianto is a wizard who briefly worked at Torchwood One before Yvonne transferred him to Cardiff a year before the battle of Canary Wharf. Wizards have been working at Torchwood, undercover since its creation to keep the Ministry of Magic in the loop with Britain's interactions with no human life forms, as many of what muggles think to be aliens may in fact just be magical creatures.

After the destruction of Torchwood London, the team found out about Ianto's magic and have accepted it has it turns out it can be quite useful on missions. Jack and Ianto's relationship is a bit further ahead than in canon as they have known each other for longer, and in this AU the whole cyberman in the basement debacle never happened.

Chapter One - The Blowfish Incident

"Gwen, go left. Tosh, go right. Ianto, take centre." Owen shouted as he started attending to the shot man. Ianto came to a stop taking in the scene, the blowfish had the teenager, gun against her temple.

"Detecting massive levels of adrenaline and three grams of cocaine. This fish is wired." Tosh trailed off as she looked up from her screen, and adjusted her gun to better aim at the blowfish.

"So this is Team Torchwood. The teachers pets, but teacher's gone, hasn't he? Leaving the kiddie-kids all alone. And look at you, trying so hard to be all grown-up. The doctor with his hands full of blood. The carer, with her oh-so-beating heart. The technician, with her cold devices. Which leaves me with the office boy. Promoted beyond his measure, are you really so scared that you won't even raise your weapon?" The blowfish chided as he took in Ianto's lack of gun. Ianto resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he let his wand slip from his sleeve. The blowfish continued on his drug induced monologue. "How good are you? How sharp is.." Ianto quickly raised his wand hitting the blowfish dead on with a stunning spell.

The woman who had been clutching Gwen rushed to her daughter as the blowfish fell, the rest of the team freezing momentarily.

"I still can't get use to that.." Tosh muttered.

"He's not dead. We need to get him back to the hub and in a cell before he wakes up." Ianto said mattarfactly, walking over to the double check his stunner had done its job. He had learnt early on that some aliens responded rather unexpectedly, he didn't need a repeat of the time he'd tried to take down a weevil and it had exploded.

"We need to, you know… Help them recover…" Gwen nodded meaningfully towards the family.

"Don't worry I've got it. Help Tosh get the blowfish into the SUV." He replied, "Owen how's he doing?"

"He'll live, good job that blowfish had terrible aim. I've patched him up but we should get him to a hospital, just to be safe."

"OK, you drop him of at A&E on your way, tell them you found him after a mugging." Ianto pulled out his wand again as he crouched down next to the man. "Obliviate." He whispered, wiping the man's memory of how he got shot and planting the vague idea of getting cornered by a couple of men as he was walking home. "That should do it, Owen?"

"Right," Owen says, stripping of his gloves, "I guess I'll see you in a bit." He finished, as Ianto helps him pick up the now dozing man.

"Where are you taking him?" The woman says from the corner, releasing her daughter as she made to follow Owen.

Ianto stepped between them, "He's just taking him to the hospital. Now why don't you and your daughter sit down and I'll explain everything." As soon as they had both settled, Ianto took aim and quickly obliviated them both, letting them both fall unconscious before he turned to survey the room. Not too bad, at least he didn't have to deal with fish brains, he turned to the smeared blood on the floor. He banished it with a flick of his wand before going to collect the Owen's used supplies to see what needed to be replaced.

"Guess I missed all the fun huh?" Ianto froze, heart hammering. He turned slowly, not quite believing it. There he was, Jack Harkness, smirk firmly in place. "I mean, I'd hoped get to make a bit more of an entrance, perhaps save the day at the last minute." He was cut off as Ianto rushed over and embraced him, tightly.

"I'm so sorry Jack." Ianto muttered into his shoulder, "So, so sorry."

"Hey, what have you got to be sorry for..? I left…"

"That I couldn't save you from him."

"How?" Jack asked eyes going wide, as his mind flew back his time on the Valient, to seeing Ianto killed before him. "That's time locked, that never happened."

"I guess if you're good enough of an Occlumens your memories stay protected." Ianto replied as he lets Jack go.

"Do the others know?"

"No, although I suspect there are few other wizards that do. Not that they did anything to fucking help." He said with a bitter tone to his voice.

"Good, it's better that they don't."

"I, I never thought I'd see you again. When you left I assumed you'd found the Doctor, that you'd want to stay with him after everything." Ianto admitted, seeming to deflate as he looked down.

"I came back for you." Jack assured, "The team, this planet, us… It's become my home and I couldn't give that up. Even for the Doctor." He bent down to meet Ianto's eyes, "You've got to know that."

Ianto looked at Jack taken aback by the declaration. While he had hoped that Jack would return, he also knew how much the Doctor meant to him. He knew that Jack had loved the Doctor long before he'd even met Ianto. He swallowed trying to find a reply. As he was thinking his comm beeped, "Ianto where are you?" It was Tosh, "I've detected rift activity near the city centre, we're heading there now."

Deciding to deal with Jack's admission later, he slid back into the role of commander he'd taken on since Jack had left. "Send me the coordinates and I'll meet you there. Oh and I've got a surprise for you." With that he grabbed Jack's hand and led him outside.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Back at the Hub

By the time Ianto made it back to the hub the mood was a little tense to say the least. Jack returning may have been cause for celebration, but him disappearing again had certainly not put him in anyone's good books. Especially not when they finally found him again having a _drink_ with a _man_ who had freely admitted to _killing_ someone, barely half a hour prior. While Ianto wasn't normally the jealous type, there was a familiarity between 'Captain' John Hart and Jack which put him on edge.

"I'm not going to break anything you know. I'm not an idiot." John looked up from where he'd been fiddling with some rift debris which Gwen had left on her desk.

"That's what I'm afraid of." Ianto replied tersely. Gwen had dragged Jack away the first chance she got, presumably to interrogate him over where he'd been and who the fuck John Hart really was. Tosh was busy running scans looking for the cluster bombs and Owen had busied himself away in the autopsy bay, which left Ianto on babysitting duty. They may have taken John's weapons but Ianto wouldn't put it past him to somehow blow them all up, or more likely release a strong aphrodisiac which ended in group sex. He shuddered, he really didn't want to have to see Owen naked again.

Seeming to grow bored of the contents of Gwen's desk, John swivelled his chair to fully face Ianto. "So, who are you then, Ianto Jones?"

"General Support Officer, Second in Command." He said leaving out his official, if classified title.

"General Support, please. What kind of a title is that? I mean I can see why Jack keeps you around, eye-candy, but come on you barely look legal. What have you got to offer this little team Jack's got going?" John teased, as he blatantly looked Ianto up and down. Rolling his eyes, Ianto sighed.

"I've got rather unique skill set within Torchwood." He regretted the words as soon as they were out his mouth, he didn't need to give John anymore ammunition for his unabashed flirting. He was worse than Jack, and didn't even have the jawline to back it up.

"Oh I bet you do…" John practically purred. Luckily, for Ianto, a beeping from Tosh's desk diverted John's attention.

"The scans are done!" She announced.

"Right, boardroom everyone." Ianto shouted, as Jack and Gwen finally emerged. Jack looked slightly taken aback by Ianto's command, but dutifully followed as they all transept towards the meeting room.

"Seven hours ago, we logged a minor surge in rift energy across three locations." Explained Tosh from her place near the screen.

"Six of us, three locations, that's simple. Two people per canister." John muttered.

"Excuse me," Jack cut in, "I give the orders."

"Well give some big boy." John challenged, looking at Jack with an expression Ianto would rather not see directed at someone outside of the bedroom, thank you very much.

"I'll go with John. Sorry, do you prefer John or Captain?" Gwen eagerly piped up.

"With eyes like yours, you can call me Vera and I won't complain," John answered. Ianto looked at Gwen slightly surprised, he would have thought she'd be dying to get some more alone time with Jack. Although if he wasn't left to deal with John again he wouldn't complain.

"Are you sure Gwen?" Ianto asked, assessing her. He sensed her resolve as she nodded once. "You and Captain Hart, head to the the docks. Owen and Tosh go west. Jack and I'll take the north."

"Excuse me. Not to repeat myself…" Jack interrupted. Ianto turned to him, bracing himself for a confrontation he's really rather not have in front of the others, especially Gwen. It had been hard enough to get her to follow his orders after Jack had left. She had nearly got herself mauled by a weevil after she disobeyed Ianto's command. Owen had ranted at her the whole time he had patched her up. It was only after this incident, that she accepted Ianto possibly was slightly more qualified than her.

"You got a problem Jack? I thought you liked it when I took charge?" Ianto asked innocently, eyes narrowing slightly. He heard John whistle, while the team are looking worriedly between the two.

Jack let out a slight chuckle, "No, no problem. Please, carry on."

"I know you guys have got some catching up to do, but can you save until after we've found the bombs?" Owen impolored.

"You're right," Ianto answered, feeling a slight blush rising. He needed to stay professional, he decided to blame the amount of sexual tension in the room on John. "Let's get moving guys."

"Ianto, Gwen, I need a word." Jack interjected.

"Oh, he's going to give you all the dos and don'ts. I love this part, can I stay?" John excitedly cajoled.

Both Jack and Ianto turned to him, "No," they said in unison. John admitted defeat and ambled out of the conference room. Watching him go Jack rested his hands on the table before turning to Gwen.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"If I can get him talking, flirt a bit, he might drop his guard. I can find out what he's really up to." Gwen replied.

"Ok, clever, but dangerous." Jack looked over to where Ianto was stood behind Gwen.

"What else are we going to do? He already doesn't trust me and Gwen's more likely to get something out of him the Owen or Tosh. If she thinks she can handle this, then we need to give it a shot." Ianto paused, "There's definitely something he's not telling us and there's no way he's going to open up to you. There is clearly too much history," looking meaningfully at Jack.

"Jack you need to trust us." Gwen added, "It's not like we are useless without you."

Jack looked between the two and saw the resolve in both of them. He was proud at how well they had got on without him, the faith they had in each other. He knew things would have changed in his absence, but it stung to feel out of the loop. Finally focussing on Gwen he started, "Three Rules…"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three - Jack is Oddly Obsessed with Offices

They were quiet as they drove over to the office block, Jack kept his eyes on the road while Ianto read through the mission notes again, not that he didn't already have them memorised. He'd hoped that he would have had time to talk to Jack about everything, not that he really knew what he wanted to say. Jack had suffered during his time away, as had he. While the events of the past year may not feel completely real to him, more like a terrible dream, he knew they had happened. But the end of the world wasn't exactly an easy subject to bring up.

Then on top of that, Jack's murderous ex had to turn up. The team no time to adjust. A few words exchanged over a corpse with them and Jack run off again. The others had looked just about ready to murder their Captain, and frankly Ianto could see why.

As they made it up to the top floor of the office, Jack finally broke the silence and started to babble about photocopying butts. Ianto cut him off, "The rift was active at these coordinated approximately 200 feet above the ground. Which means this floor or the roof." While he was undeniably glad to have Jack back, it didn't mean everything could just go back to how it had been. The team where pissed, having barely acknowledged Jack after he blew them off for John. He suspected that if Jack had tried to give any orders they would have been ignored, if only to spite the man.

Jack seeming to sense Ianto's stress asked, "How are you Ianto?"

"All the better for having you back." He just wanted to get this mission over with, find the bombs, and send John home. Then, if he was lucky, get a few hours sleep with Jack next to him before they tried to work out where they stood with each other.

But it appeared that Jack had other ideas, "Ianto?" he asked again, his tone grave.

"Jack. I walked across half the world, trying to keep Martha safe," he noticed Jack stiffen at the mention of the name, "I saw the others die fighting. I remember the look on your face when _he_ finally caught and executed me." He could see the pain it caused Jack to relive the memories. "And then I woke up. It seemed like nothing more than a nightmare, except you where still gone. They were lost without you Jack. I'm lost without you," he finished softly.

Jack started to say something, the devastated expression still present, but Ianto cut him off. "Look, let's just get this done. I'll take this floor, I don't need you getting over excited. You can take the roof. You're good on roofs," he paused and gave Jack a tight lipped smile. The sooner we find this canister, the sooner we can get your crazy ex out of here."

"Is that a note of jealousy I detect?" Jack asked, eyes starting to light up again.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," replied Ianto, who had started going through some desk draws.

Jack, at the doorway, turned to look at Ianto's crouched form, "He's my past, you're what matters now. I meant what I said, I came back for you." With that he swept out of the office.

Ianto gave a sigh, and continued to search. God it would have been easier if he could have kept it as casual shagging. But no, he just had to go fall for a fucking 51st century immortal.

He'd just finished going through what felt like the hundredth desk when he heard the ping of the lift. Knowing the lift didn't go up to the roof he, pulled out his wand. He edged towards the lift, on guard.

"Into the lift, eye-candy." Ianto felt the barrel of a gun being pressed against the back of his head and tensed, slowly raising he hands.

"Oh, and what do have here?" John pulled his wand from out of his grip. Ianto silently berated himself for not going for his gun instead. "This certainly isn't standard issue. Who'd have thought that Jack would have found himself a fucking wizard for his little gang?"

Ianto turned quickly, shocked at John's words, "How?" he questioned.

"Oh please, I know your kind are always woefully behind the times, but they do manage to get off this filthy planet at some point in your future. Now, your friends are bleeding and dying. You barely have enough time to save them." Ianto reached for his earpiece only to find static at the other end.

"What am I, a child? Primitive piece of technology, easily blocked, you should be embarrassed. Now, when you get to the bottom, run." John continued to threaten Ianto, but he zoned him out, mind was elsewhere. He was too busy worrying about his friends. The lift door shut and he allowed himself a moment of anger, slamming his fist against the wall.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four - Ianto Makes Owen Incredibly Unhappy About the Transport Situation

Fuck! He knew he shouldn't have trusted Gwen with John. Well, he considers his situation, it's not likely he'd have done much better. He needs to find the others, and quickly as he has no doubts that, for once, John _bloody_ Hart was telling the truth. He called Jack, hoping that he had managed to get John under control. To his dismay it only took a couple of rings before the line went dead. He swore again and tried Tosh, Owen and Gwen all in quick succession, only get voicemail on all three.

Finally getting to the SUV, after what felt like the longest lift journey of his life, Ianto grabbed his field kit and a spare scanner. Meeting your current partner's ex was never exactly easy, but mostly they didn't try to kill your friends. Ianto really hoped this wasn't going to become a pattern. He pulled up the coordinates of Tosh and Owen, and after double checking he was alone, Ianto vanished with a faint popping sound.

He appeared next to a warehouse, glad that his ministry training had taught him to aparate wandlessly. He headed over to the nearest door, only to find it locked. He looked around for something to break the lock with, wishing his training had extended to performing charms without the need of his wand. God, he hoped John didn't destroy it. The amount of wands he had gone through since the team found out about his magic and he'd started using it on the job was ridiculous. He really didn't want to have to deal with Ollivander's disapproval again. Making it into the warehouse with the aid of a spanner, which he found conveniently nearby. He shouted for Tosh and Owen, running towards them as he heard Tosh's reply.

"Have you heard from Gwen?" Tosh demanded worriedly as soon as she saw Ianto.

"No. How's Owen?"

"John shot him."

"It'll be fine," Owen interjects, "although hurts like a fucking bitch."

Ianto rummages in his back finally pulling out a small bottle. "Essence of Dittany," he explains to Owen, "should stop the bleeding."

"Should?" Owen exclaims, "if this poisons me, it's your fault."

"Owen, I know you think my whole education was just hippy nonsense but trust me, this does actually work." He applied a few drops to the wound, while Owen and Tosh looked on with varying degrees of scepticism. Ianto rolled his eyes as they both let out surprised gasps as the bullet wound started to close up.

"Now that's dealt with, let's get down to the docks to find Gwen," he reached towards them both. Owen, catching on to how Ianto's planned transportation method, jumped back.

"Oh fuck no. I'm not going through that teleportation horror with you again. Once was quite enough, thanks."

"Come on, Owen." Tosh pleads from beside Ianto who's already gripped her bicep, "It's the quickest way."

"You haven't just been shot!" He wined, still slightly out of reach of Ianto.

"Owen, we need to get to Gwen now, what if he's shot Gwen too, or worse?" Ianto interjected.

"Ok, fine," Owen muttered, "but you owe me the good coffee after this!" Ianto just stepped forward and took Owen's forearm in response. He imagined the piles of shipping containers and they all disappeared.

"Never again, this time I mean it! That's fucking awful." Owen spat, as he tried regain his balance after practically falling into Ianto's arms when they landed. Ianto had to sympathise with Owen slightly; side-along apparition was never fun however convient it may be.

"It's not that bad," called Tosh from where she'd already opened the first container. "Come on, we need to start looking!"


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry about the wait but here it is, the last chapter! Thank you for the favourites and follows, I hope you have enjoyed my self-indulgent AU.

Chapter Five - Ianto Really Wishes He'd Kept Up With To Date With His Potion Brewing Schedule

"Jack!" Ianto threw the stopwatch to him, "Go, we'll catch up!" he continued as he let himself be practically dragged into the medical bay by Owen. He really hoped the medic had a plan.

Of course, the cluster bombs had been bullshit. Ianto would freely admit to a certain amount of sadistic glee at the very real bomb now attached to John's chest. However, it was slightly less desirable that he'd managed to handcuff himself to Gwen. It seemed that killing his previous lover wasn't one of John's better ideas. She'd programmed the bomb to attached itself to the DNA of whoever had killed her.

There were all number of potions which could have likely altered John's DNA enough to disable the trigger. Unfortunately Ianto hadn't had the time to keep his supplies stocked up while Jack was away.

"What are you doing, Owen?" Ianto demanded as he was manhandled onto the autopsy table.

"Take off your jacket." Owen directed, as he grabbed supplies from the cupboard. Ianto complied although wasn't exactly following. Owen, taking in Ianto's confused expression, started to explain, "The bomb's attached itself to John because of his DNA, right?"

"Right. But I don't have anything which can alter his DNA here."

"I hate to break it to you tea-boy, but sometimes magic isn't the only solution. Roll up your sleeve." He swabbed the inside of Ianto's elbow with antiseptic. "Your genetic makeup varies slightly from the rest of us, even Jack's, I assume, because of your magic. So if I can inject him with with enough of your blood, that should corrupt his DNA enough to confuse the bomb."

"Are you sure that will work?"

"Trust me I'm an improviser." Owen counters, and with that sticks the needle into Ianto vein.

They make it to the others with literally seconds to spare. Tosh now in charge of the stopwatch counted down as Owen tackled John, injecting him, with the syringe of Ianto's blood. After a few painful seconds, when it looked like Gwen might really have to sacrifice herself, the bomb detached itself from John's chest. Jack grabbed it and threw it into the rift.

Ianto looked up from where he had been thrown to the ground by the bomb's explosion in the rift; only to find the sky had gone dark. He pulled himself up against the SUV, looking at the others who all seemed to be fine. Well, apart from Gwen, who was still in the undesirable position of being handcuffed to John. He gingerly made his way over to them in time to hear Gwen demanding to know what was in the syringe.

"Ianto's DNA, it differs enough from that of a normal human to briefly disrupt John's DNA, which released the disc." Owen explained.

"You're telling me there's a bit of eye-candy inside of me?" John smirked as he looked over at Jack, "Not a bit jealous there Captain?"

"I want you gone." Replied Jack in a tone which left little room for argument.

After Gwen got in a solid punch, it seemed that John might finally be on his way. Although, of course, he couldn't leave without having the final word; a mention of someone called Grey. Ianto saw the myriad of emotions that crossed Jack's face, showing quite clearly that it was certainly not 'nothing' as he had insisted. Deciding that it had been one hell of a first day back, for Jack. Ianto spoke up before anyone could suggest something stupid, like more work.

"I'm booking you three into a hotel for the night," Ianto said to Gwen, Tosh and Owen. "Gwen, invite Rhys over in a couple of hours. It's been a long night and I don't think any of us want to repeat it." Ianto headed over to the SUV to look up the number of one of the better hotels in Cardiff. The others dutifully follow after him, the adrenaline slowly seeping out of them all.

"What about us?" Jack asks as Ianto gets of the phone, "You only booked rooms for them."

"You need somewhere familiar, and we need to talk. You're coming back to mine." He walks over to Jack and gently kisses him, the first time in far too long.


End file.
